Brain Excerpts – University Welcome Day

I leave the house and decide to take a rather scenic route to the bus stop, enjoying the cold weather. The roads are virtually empty and there are no stupid birds chirping mindlessly, resulting in a quiet peaceful atmosphere. I eventually reach the bus stop and my bus promptly arrives. I get on and sit in a nice seat in the back. After stopping at a couple of stops the bus turns onto the university road.

Does an outwards bellybutton still get lint? Oh look, the bus is heading into university now. Taking it’s time. I’ve had to listen to those two blithering idiots bickering about whether the sun is a planet or not. How is it actually even possible for people to be that thick? Yes,  the sun is not a planet. Very good! How you got in to university, I’ll never know. There’s a species of plankton which is smarter than you. Unbelievable. Wait a second. Did she just say she’s a 3rd year university student? Wow. This just keeps getting better and better…

I glance outside and see that we’re less than a minute’s drive away from the drop-off zone. As we pass by the main building I notice there are a tonne of people outside the building. What’s even worse is that I notice they are ALL smiling.

Quite a lot of people there. Interesting… I wonder why they’re all smiling like that. Botox accident perhaps? But how could it have affected so many people at once? Maybe someone slipped a weak muscle paralytic in their morning coffee. They are all drinking the same coffee, too. Cannot believe they actually buy coffee every single day. Probably go in droves and just aimlessly stand there in what they would call lines. They’re called queues: you stand in queues. Not lines. Queues. Qyoos. Q’s. I see we’ve arrived. Time to get off.

The smilers move out of view as the bus comes to a stop and I make my way to the front, thank the driver and get off. I see people from my bus moving towards the main building and reluctantly follow them.

Well, so far it’s been a relatively decent trip. Could have been worse. At least I enjoyed the long solitary walk to the bus stop and the in-bus entertainment courtesy of the planet plebs. Good one haha. I should write that down. All in all, a rather interesting experience. I suppose I should try to stick with the rest of the group. Wow. Those people are STILL smiling at us.It’s not even 8 in the morning yet. I wonder how much botox they had to inject to keep those smiles in place. Not really in the mood for their little pep talk so I need to get past them as quickly as possible. I can slip past while they greet the crowd. OUCH! My ears! Where is that insane high-pitched sound coming from?! Wow, it’s coming from that smiler’s mouth. How can she have a voice that high-pitched? Give her helium and only dogs will be able hear that. It’s seriously way too early in the morning for that kind of screeching. Oh great, she’s decided to start some sort of cheer. I’m sure there’s a law banning high-pitched sounds as some sort of neighbourhood disturbance offence or something. I need to look that up as soon as I get time. Aha! Here’s my chance.

I manage to slide past the smilers and walk into the university, avoiding the massive lineup in front of the coffee shop. I follow the signs pointing towards “Registration” and head down the stairs.

Haha, I told you they’d be standing there waiting for coffee, didn’t I? Of course I did, we’re the same person remember? I really do need to stop getting lost with all the voices in my head. Oh look. Stairs. One step. Two steps. Three. Four. Great, am I going to start singing a stair-counting song now? Stairs. Stares. Steps. Stayers. Well that last one sounds rather nasal and American, no? Hmmm, it seems I missed a few steps while thinking about stairs. Now I”ll have to go back and count them again because of my mild (yeah, keep telling yourself it’s mild haha) OCD. Never mind, I’ve already adjusted the count to accommodate for any possible errors. Well I’ve made it to the bottom and surprise surprise, more people. And now they’re staring at me. Haha, staring at me. Get the joke? Of course I do…WE’RE THE SAME PERSON. Seriously brain, get it together. But you’re right, that was rather funny. Punny, haha. When can I start registering? I thought they start at 8…

I glance at the nearest clock (and all available exits in case I need to make a quick getaway); registration was supposed to begin at exactly 8AM. It’s now 8:12 and they still don’t seem to be organised yet.

Why did I make an effort to get here on time if these people aren’t bothered to do the same and actually start on time? Have they set up an orderly queuing system? Haha, why am I even asking? Look at them all huddled together in groups as if being alone would  kill them. Coffee in one hand, iPhone in the other. What would they be without Apple? I never liked Apples. Flavour is really weird. Can’t see any Android fans here which is quite a shame. Although what I can see is that there are quite a lot of admins here. Hyper admins. Hyper admins on coffee. Not a good sign. I don’t like hyper people. Especially hyper people drunk of coffee. End up jumping all over the place, they do. Transparent eyelids would be quite useful wouldn’t they? Could see things when I’m sleeping. Although I’ll need to set up some sort of tinting system so I can block out the light if I needed to. Well, let’s try to make sense of this mess and get registered. Then I can get a good seat in the corner somewhere. Oh dear. One of the hyper admins is smiling in my direction. He looks familiar. Where have I seen him before? Seriously, I swear I’ve seen his face recently. Where have I seen him before? He’s coming closer and his smile is getting bigger. His teeth are yellower than.. well.. something very yellow. Mental note: think of better comparisons. Dear lord! What the hell did he have for breakfast? Expired onions and pickled sock sandwiches with a side of vomit to chug it down? Urgh! Wait, is he saying something to me?

The admin starts shouting in my face. “Hey! Are you excited? I know I am!! Let’s hear a cheer if you are! One, two, three…WOOOOOOT!!!” Instinctively, I raise one eyebrow and frown slightly at him while I try to simultaneously make sense of the non-stop cacophony of voices in my head and listen to what he was actually saying. He frowns and backs off slightly.

Pickled sock sandwiches haha! I should write this stuff down. Oh, did I mention he WAS saying something? You should reply.

I quickly smile apologetically (or at least I tried my best to smile) at him, tell him I’m super excited (painful even to write down, let alone say out loud) and quickly ask him when I can register before he gets a chance to further his “pep” conversation. Looking slightly annoyed at the fact that he couldn’t complete his little speech, he opens his mouth wide (oh god why…) goes off on a tale about his first year here (how long is he going to talk? It smells horrible. I think I might choke soon..) and eventually tells me registration opens at 8:15 before walking off to harass some poor other individual standing alone by himself.

That was a close one. You should really try to listen to other people more. This is going to bug me now. Where have I seen a short, bald, angry little man with horrible breath and really yellow teeth? Anyway, enough of that. Let’s see who else showed up today. Okay, we’ve got the noobs, the nerds, the wanabes, the attention seekers, the know-it-alls (not to be confused with nerds), the chavs, the idiots, the jocks, the hipsters, the forever alones, and oh look! The planet plebs seem to have found their way here. Only took them 20 or so minutes, must be a new record for them. I should contact the Guinness Book of World Records and notify them immediately.

I hear a massive bang and turn around to see a massive crowd wearing white T-shirts marching towards us chanting some sort of motivational song.

Is this normal? Do normal people partake in these out-of-tune singing events? It’s getting really loud in here. I wonder what’s for lunch actually, I am absolutely famished. Let’s ignore the crowd for a bit and have a look at the schedule of today’s events.Speech by keynote speaker”. That’ll be good, hopefully. “Course orientation”. That’s important. Need to do that. “Free lunch”. Hope it’s edible food this time. “4 hour parade?” Pass. “Bouncy castle.” PASS. “Orientation cheer”. DEFINITELY PASS. They’ll actually cheer for a whole 2 hours? That’ll be interesting. Well, to be honest, I wouldn’t put it past them. My god, they’re cheering really loudly now. I can actually feel the ground vibrating. They’ve starting head bobbing and “fist-pumping” now. I suppose this would be a good time to punch someone in the face. What the hell, brain? By accident, of course. I mean, who’s to say you weren’t fist pumping? I see your point, brain. What’s that horrible smell? Oh. Obviously. The hyper-admin is on his way back. I’m sure I know him from somewhere. It was definitely something to do with potatoes…

The hyper admin walks past and I quickly blurt out “Sontaran! I’ve just remembered. You look exactly like a Sontaran!” He narrows his eyes at me and says “What’s a Sontaran?” I begin to tell him about Doctor Who but he loses interest so I take out my phone and show him a picture instead. For some reason, his eyes turn really red and he grabs a jacket and walks off.

Well that wasn’t very nice. I  was actually beginning to enjoy the conversation before he randomly left. Hmm, potatoes are funny little things aren’t they? Why did he grab his jacket? It’s boiling hot outside. Haha, jacket potato! And his eyes were surprisingly red too. Baked potato haha. I really need to stop making potato jokes. I wonder if he was going home to watch some TV. Wait for it……Couch potato haha. Did I just tell myself to wait for the punchline to my own joke? Why is everyone looking at me now? Did I say that last one out loud? Either way, I’m absolutely starving. Should I get the sandwiches or the french fries? If I offer them to him, would it be cannibalism?  If I had an army of potato people, I could take over the world quite easily. People have been trying to use potatoes to power things haven’t they? Aah, registration is finally open. Will they form an orderly queue? Hmm, apparently not. Oh look, the Sontaran is back and he’s got his son – is that his son? – with him. The son is pretty small, even for a 10 year old. Hahahahah, small fry. Constipated people who sneeze a lot must have absolutely rock-solid abs. I wonder what’s for lunch…

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For anyone who doesn’t know what a Sontaran is, this is what one looks like.

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6 thoughts on “Brain Excerpts – University Welcome Day

  1. Aalia says:

    Absolutely hilarious!

    A bit shorter might have had a bit more of an impact, but that could be because I’m sleepy.

    Still, love the post.

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