Brain Excerpts – What’s Good Bro?

So if I find the derivative of this function, then graph the result, I should get a sinusoidal function which obviously means –

“Yo, what’s good bro?” Annoyed at losing my train of thought, I look up and see a class fellow smirking at me, wearing a ridiculous sports cap and jeans that are practically hanging from his knees. “What ‘choo doing man?” he practically yells at me.

Mental note: if f(x) = f(-x), the function is even. And I really hate the stupid language they use most of the time. Why can’t they talk like normal educated people? I know it is difficult for you since you only have half a brain cell to share between you and the rest of your degenerate friends, but if you HAVE to interrupt my train of thought, at least have the decency to speak properly instead of sounding like the complete idiot you so clearly are. Well, I suppose I might as well reply to him then. I’ll leave this one in your capable metaphorical hands, brain.

“You do know we have a test tomorrow, yes? I’m sitting in the library’s STUDY room with all of my notes and textbooks open. What does it look like I’m doing?” I reply, flexing my fingers.

Sarcasm. Can’t say I didn’t expect that one, brain.

After a minute’s silence, looking quite proud of himself, he smiles and says “You’re studying!” He pauses for another minute or two. “You ARE studying, right?”

Genius, this one is. Why’s he even in the library? I’m not entirely sure he even knows how to read; he’s obviously got problems putting two words together. Petrichor! That’s the smell of dust after rain. I must remember to use that in a sentence sometime. The sunrise looks beautiful from here.

“Yes I am, Sherlock. Your powers of observation are truly amazing!”  I wait for his tiny little brain to figure out that I was being sarcastic, but unfortunately and unsurprisingly, he doesn’t get it. To my great annoyance, he decides to sit in the chair opposite, blocking  my view of the sun rising. “Yeah I thought you were studying. You got swag, bro.”

Mental note: Next time, get a table with only one chair. Also, if -f(x) = f(-x), the function is odd.

He proceeds to take his phone out and says “You know, I might study with you as well but I’m gon go out with friends. Got plans, yo!”

I could be studying right now, instead of wasting my time listening to him go on about his stupid life, as if I even remotely care. In fact, even watching paint dry would be more important that wasting time bantering and engaging in frivolous small talk with someone I have no intention of befriending since he is of no value to me. Hey brain, that was actually a very long and articulate sentence; congratulations. Why, thank you. Now, let’s get rid of him and get back to more important things.

“Shouldn’t you be going to meet them, then?” I pointedly ask him, hoping he’d take the hint and leave. “Nah, yo. I’m chillin’ here for a bit. Gon eat some food.”  He proceeds to take out a sandwich made of some shriveled, slimy, stinky little brown thing I could only hope was not taken from the public toilet. He takes a massive bite and burps, spraying food everywhere on the table.

All right. Enough is enough. He needs to leave now. His food stinks and so does he. But how to make the most of this? Now that he’s here, I think I might as well have some fun. Think, brain. All right, here’s an idea. What if we grab his head and slam it repeatedly into the desk until one of them breaks? Not bad brain, not bad. But I was thinking of-

Wait! What if we use the window instead of the desk? After all, we don’t want to get our notes dirty. Then we’d get an even better view of the sun! BRAIN, you’re not listening. I said I was thinking of something a little bit more discreet. And what’s with his trousers hanging off his knees? Does he not know what a belt is? Hmm, he actually is wearing a belt. Mental note: Design a belt monkeys can use. Speaking of belts, I could probably convince him to use this chair and that hook on the ceiling to –

“Wait, did you call me Sherlock? That’s not my name, bro.” Another pause, this one a lot longer (thank God). “Bro, you being sarcastic?”

English! DO YOU SPEAK IT? Say bro again. I dare you. I double-

“Man, why you gotta be sarcastic all the time?”

At least he didn’t say bro this time, bro.  Brain, you’re not helping here.

Sighing, I reply “I find the need to respond to stupid or obvious questions with obvious sarcasm because the people who ask them have already proven by this point that they’re too stupid to insult. And it’s not much fun if the person you insult doesn’t understand that they’re being insulted. With sarcasm, I can amuse myself by watching their tiny little brains trying to figure out whether I’m being sarcastic or not and if they should feel insulted.”

He’s going to take a few minutes to understand this one. Now, where were we? Ah yes… Calculus. So, like I was saying, I’ve got my sinusoidal function so that proves that the function is – WAIT! I know how to get rid of him! Well, you took your time, brain. What have you got for me?

I look up at him and catch him scratching his lower stomach. Fighting the urge to throw up, I casually say, “I heard they’re giving out free Tim Horton samples in the caf. Something about market attraction…” His eyes widen in greed as he quickly says “Yo bro, it was nice talking man. Anyways, I think I can see my friends calling me,” he says, pointing to his phone. “I gotta go, bro.”

See his friends calling him? I should probably contact the Guinness Book of World Records people. They probably have never had the privilege to meet someone this stupid. Right now, there is a village in the world somewhere, desperately looking for their missing idiot. Well, this was a rather fun little break from studying. Time to get back to work. And he’s still not leaving quickly enough. One more push should do it…

Ignoring him, I say “I think he said 2 free samples to the first 50 people or something…”. Without another word, he grabs his things and runs outside, heading towards the cafeteria which is on the other side of the campus. I glance at the sky which is now a beautiful multitude of colours ranging from bright yellow to dark purple. Smiling at the thought of his disappointed face when he’d realise  what had happened and that the cafeteria wouldn’t open until another 3 hours, I turn back to my work.  Today was going to be a good day.

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